I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
