Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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