I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
