i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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