I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
