if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
