Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
