All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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