So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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