so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my liver is dry heaving
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
