I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
