He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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