He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
