Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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