I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
3 2 1 whiskey
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
