Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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