I wish you could order shots online.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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