I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
