Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
