My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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