Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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