dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
