I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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