What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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