Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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