and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
