Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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