Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
