I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
