Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
