I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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