the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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