yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
