I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
