The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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