I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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