im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
