PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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