By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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