I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I met the friendliest cop last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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