so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
