Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
