not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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