I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
