I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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