I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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