I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
