I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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