I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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