I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
