That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
